i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
~~e.e.cummings~~
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Easter
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Passion
"People keep asking me if I "want" the job.... As far as what I want right now, it's a step in the right direction, and it could open up some interesting possibilities outside of the job aspect. I don't see it as an end in itself, which isn't good or bad, but it's not something that stirs my passion."
After writing that over two weeks ago, the word "passion" suddenly began appearing everywhere. It was a subject thread in one of the email forums I belong to, and quite a prolific one, so I was getting many emails a day putting the word in front of my consciousness. A certain male friend of mine suddenly became much more "passionate" in his email expressions. The usual XOXO became XOoxXOoxXOoxXO
oxoXoXoXoXoXxOxOxOxOxOxxxXXXoooOOOXOXOXOXOXOXOEXX! Television began airing numerous commercials for Mel Gibson's movie "The Passion -- Recut." I am currently reading "The Heart of Healing" edited by Dawson Church, a book that I had requested the Carver County Library system purchase. Chapter Three is an article by Sandra Ingerman about her work with shamanism and soul retrieval. I was struck by her description of working with a woman with advanced AIDS, and the comment that perhaps one of the reasons we are seeing such an upsurge in strong bacterial and viral infections today, might be because we have lost the ability to live with passion in our lives. These life-forms have more passion to live than we do, and have a faster learning curve when it comes to thriving no matter what medications we come up with to destroy them.
And here was yet another job that I just did not feel passionate about. I began to ask myself what DO I feel passionate about? I didn't have to think very hard. The previous Sunday, my Welsh dance group had performed for the St. David's Society's annual banquet. I have a children's group this year, and they did so very well. I was immensely proud of them! Do I feel passionate about those kids? You bet I do! I feel passionate about my niece and two nephews. I feel passionate about music and dancing. I feel passionate about subbing as a reference librarian and about helping people find answers to questions, information to enrich their lives, and good books to read for pleasure. And I feel passionate about Carver County, which gave me the subbing job last July, and whose staff make me feel valuable.
I didn't get the La Crosse position, and I didn't waste any energy feeling badly about it. Besides, another data entry temp job had come along (to begin on the 14th), and an interview for the two Carver County positions on March 10th. I didn't really have any time to think about it. Life was moving along at a rapid pace, and I was in the flow. One of the positions would be 25 hours a week as a Youth Services librarian in Watertown. The other one was 20 hours a week as a general librarian in Waconia. I knew my heart leaned toward Waconia -- bigger, brand new library, better location, pleasant commute, BUT Watertown represented 5 hours more income per week and the opportunity to work with children, which is one of my passions. So it seemed to be a toss-up. I am not normally a demonstrative person. We learn to hide our feelings growing up. It's not "safe" to show people what you feel. So I did my best to connect with my passion, at least internally, during the interview. And afterwards, I let it go. The new temp job started Monday, and again, I just didn't have time to think about it. I did nine hours of data entry on Monday. I asked the company about letting me continue subbing, since I had some scheduled hours coming up the following day, and the company was willing to be flexible if I could make up some of the lost hours on alternate days. So on Tuesday I did data entry from 8 am until 2:30 pm. Then went to Chanhassen and worked at the library from 3 pm until 8 pm. At 8 am on Wednesday I was back at the data entry job with another nine hours ahead of me. It was a very long day. The pinched nerve in my bad shoulder got worse and worse, and I found myself thinking "I'm really grateful for the work this week, but I can't keep doing this. My body won't take it." At about 3:45 I decided to play a game with the radio. Whatever piece was announced first after 4:00 would have a message for me. Then I went on my break. I came back at 4:00, and when the piece finished playing, the announcer identified it as Mozart's Symphony #16. I thought "Oh. 16. I'll find out about the job on the 16th.....Oh! Today is the 16th!" Sure enough, when I got home there was a message on my answering machine to call Carver County Human Resources. But it was too late to call back that evening.
Thursday was another big day. My court hearing for bankruptcy was in the afternoon. I had planned to do data entry until noon or so, but my shoulder was hurting too much Wednesday evening and I needed to put ice on it. Since I was pretty sure the phone call meant a job offer, I decided to stay home Thursday morning. I could rest my shoulder, and I could make the call to Carver County in the privacy of home instead of among strangers at the data entry job. And then I would also have the time to make other phone calls and send out email to tell everyone I had a job!!!! And so it turned out. It was a grand day!! And the fact that it was also St. Patrick's Day did not escape me. The luck of the Irish, and all that..... The court hearing was very short and matter of fact. There wasn't even any pronouncement to say "Now your debts are discharged." The reality of this new beginning will have to wait for the official letter from the court.
And now, FINALLY, 15 years after losing my first library position, after 15 YEARS of subbing and temping and scraping and worrying and interviewing over and over and over again, and even trying to reinvent myself as something other than a librarian, I have another permanent positon. I am now a librarian for the Waconia branch library in Carver County. It is and will be (of course) the perfect position. They want me to start already on Tuesday!
Tomorrow is Palm Sunday and I half expect to walk into church to "Hail! The Conquering Hero Comes." There is joy and relief and triumph, and at the same time there is sadness. Sadness that this didn't happen 12 years ago. This is how it was supposed to be with Minneapolis, and wasn't. All of the grief that I have been through.... I can't just bury it. So as I head into the holy Passion week, when we celebrate both the triumph of Jesus' entry into Jerusalem, and his subsequent betrayal and trial and crucifixion, I am aware that I need to give attention to both the victory and the shadow side, and to acknowledge the darkness I have been through, before I will be able to really appreciate the resurrection of my career and my finances. I expect to be in tears on Good Friday. There is so much to be released, so much that needs to be grieved and healed. And so much to be thankful for. Hallelujah!!!
After writing that over two weeks ago, the word "passion" suddenly began appearing everywhere. It was a subject thread in one of the email forums I belong to, and quite a prolific one, so I was getting many emails a day putting the word in front of my consciousness. A certain male friend of mine suddenly became much more "passionate" in his email expressions. The usual XOXO became XOoxXOoxXOoxXO
oxoXoXoXoXoXxOxOxOxOxOxxxXXXoooOOOXOXOXOXOXOXOEXX! Television began airing numerous commercials for Mel Gibson's movie "The Passion -- Recut." I am currently reading "The Heart of Healing" edited by Dawson Church, a book that I had requested the Carver County Library system purchase. Chapter Three is an article by Sandra Ingerman about her work with shamanism and soul retrieval. I was struck by her description of working with a woman with advanced AIDS, and the comment that perhaps one of the reasons we are seeing such an upsurge in strong bacterial and viral infections today, might be because we have lost the ability to live with passion in our lives. These life-forms have more passion to live than we do, and have a faster learning curve when it comes to thriving no matter what medications we come up with to destroy them.
And here was yet another job that I just did not feel passionate about. I began to ask myself what DO I feel passionate about? I didn't have to think very hard. The previous Sunday, my Welsh dance group had performed for the St. David's Society's annual banquet. I have a children's group this year, and they did so very well. I was immensely proud of them! Do I feel passionate about those kids? You bet I do! I feel passionate about my niece and two nephews. I feel passionate about music and dancing. I feel passionate about subbing as a reference librarian and about helping people find answers to questions, information to enrich their lives, and good books to read for pleasure. And I feel passionate about Carver County, which gave me the subbing job last July, and whose staff make me feel valuable.
I didn't get the La Crosse position, and I didn't waste any energy feeling badly about it. Besides, another data entry temp job had come along (to begin on the 14th), and an interview for the two Carver County positions on March 10th. I didn't really have any time to think about it. Life was moving along at a rapid pace, and I was in the flow. One of the positions would be 25 hours a week as a Youth Services librarian in Watertown. The other one was 20 hours a week as a general librarian in Waconia. I knew my heart leaned toward Waconia -- bigger, brand new library, better location, pleasant commute, BUT Watertown represented 5 hours more income per week and the opportunity to work with children, which is one of my passions. So it seemed to be a toss-up. I am not normally a demonstrative person. We learn to hide our feelings growing up. It's not "safe" to show people what you feel. So I did my best to connect with my passion, at least internally, during the interview. And afterwards, I let it go. The new temp job started Monday, and again, I just didn't have time to think about it. I did nine hours of data entry on Monday. I asked the company about letting me continue subbing, since I had some scheduled hours coming up the following day, and the company was willing to be flexible if I could make up some of the lost hours on alternate days. So on Tuesday I did data entry from 8 am until 2:30 pm. Then went to Chanhassen and worked at the library from 3 pm until 8 pm. At 8 am on Wednesday I was back at the data entry job with another nine hours ahead of me. It was a very long day. The pinched nerve in my bad shoulder got worse and worse, and I found myself thinking "I'm really grateful for the work this week, but I can't keep doing this. My body won't take it." At about 3:45 I decided to play a game with the radio. Whatever piece was announced first after 4:00 would have a message for me. Then I went on my break. I came back at 4:00, and when the piece finished playing, the announcer identified it as Mozart's Symphony #16. I thought "Oh. 16. I'll find out about the job on the 16th.....Oh! Today is the 16th!" Sure enough, when I got home there was a message on my answering machine to call Carver County Human Resources. But it was too late to call back that evening.
Thursday was another big day. My court hearing for bankruptcy was in the afternoon. I had planned to do data entry until noon or so, but my shoulder was hurting too much Wednesday evening and I needed to put ice on it. Since I was pretty sure the phone call meant a job offer, I decided to stay home Thursday morning. I could rest my shoulder, and I could make the call to Carver County in the privacy of home instead of among strangers at the data entry job. And then I would also have the time to make other phone calls and send out email to tell everyone I had a job!!!! And so it turned out. It was a grand day!! And the fact that it was also St. Patrick's Day did not escape me. The luck of the Irish, and all that..... The court hearing was very short and matter of fact. There wasn't even any pronouncement to say "Now your debts are discharged." The reality of this new beginning will have to wait for the official letter from the court.
And now, FINALLY, 15 years after losing my first library position, after 15 YEARS of subbing and temping and scraping and worrying and interviewing over and over and over again, and even trying to reinvent myself as something other than a librarian, I have another permanent positon. I am now a librarian for the Waconia branch library in Carver County. It is and will be (of course) the perfect position. They want me to start already on Tuesday!
Tomorrow is Palm Sunday and I half expect to walk into church to "Hail! The Conquering Hero Comes." There is joy and relief and triumph, and at the same time there is sadness. Sadness that this didn't happen 12 years ago. This is how it was supposed to be with Minneapolis, and wasn't. All of the grief that I have been through.... I can't just bury it. So as I head into the holy Passion week, when we celebrate both the triumph of Jesus' entry into Jerusalem, and his subsequent betrayal and trial and crucifixion, I am aware that I need to give attention to both the victory and the shadow side, and to acknowledge the darkness I have been through, before I will be able to really appreciate the resurrection of my career and my finances. I expect to be in tears on Good Friday. There is so much to be released, so much that needs to be grieved and healed. And so much to be thankful for. Hallelujah!!!
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
The Power of Thought
It always amazes me when a stray thought becomes reality within a very short time, while the things we struggle to obtain seem to be always out of reach. If I love subbing so much, why can't I manifest work every day? Why can't I turn it into a full-time job? Yet when I ask for a parking place, or send a thought out about something fun that I want, it shows up the next day! The Universe definitely seems to respond to fun and playfulness. Detachment is a necessary element, and I haven't figured out how to detach myself when the outcome is "important" to me.
Last week's temp job opportunity came to nothing. It was not a good match and I would have hated it. I spent five hours on Wednesday trying to do data entry faster and faster, knowing that it would never be fast enough, and thinking how unpleasant it would be to have to worry about that for 8 hours a day, every day.... Still, when the supervisor sent me home saying it wasn't going to work, I felt like I had failed at something and wanted to cry. The saving grace was that on the way home I sent out a fleeting thought -- "Wouldn't it be nice to get home and have a subbing request waiting for me...." That's all. I didn't dwell on it, or even think of it again until I got home and checked my email. Lo and behold, there was! If I try to do this every day, however, it doesn't work. The feeling behind it is different.
Yesterday I drove to Holmen, Wisconsin to interview for the full-time cataloging position with La Crosse County libraries. The La Crosse area is spectacularly beautiful. I make a point of going that direction whenever I go to Geneva to visit my sister just so I can enjoy the scenic beauty crossing the Mississippi River there where glaciers never covered the hills. The interview lasted two hours and seemed to go quite well. Whether or not it is a good match -- I don't know. People keep asking me if I "want" the job. That was even the last question from the interviewers: "If you were offered the position today, would you take it?" My honest answer was: "Relocating is a big decision to make, and I cannot give you an instant answer. I would need time to think about it." So what do I think about it? As far as what I want right now, it's a step in the right direction, and it could open up some interesting possibilities outside of the job aspect. I don't see it as an end in itself, which isn't good or bad, but it's not something that stirs my passion. Maybe that doesn't matter. I'm more interested in comfortable security, at least for the time being. Something I've had far too little of in my life so far. At worst, the job would be somewhat boring. If plans go through to become part of a regional network, I would not be "allowed" to do any original cataloging. In the meantime, I'd be updating my cataloging skills. So it's not a job I'm hoping I don't get. I feel wide open to it, allowing it to be, if it aligns with whatever is the best possible outcome.
Still, perhaps I was feeling just a little bit disappointed on the drive home. This time the thought I sent out was: "If I'm going to do cataloging, I'd like to be able to use my languages more." Presto! Today I got a call out of the blue from The Language Lab. Somebody wanted to have something translated from Welsh to English. The Language Lab found my name on the internet. So tomorrow a woman is coming over with her family Bible and will pay me $30 to translate a few paragraphs written in Welsh in the front of the Bible. Sounds fun!
So do I want the job? I don't know, but I'm willing to play!
Last week's temp job opportunity came to nothing. It was not a good match and I would have hated it. I spent five hours on Wednesday trying to do data entry faster and faster, knowing that it would never be fast enough, and thinking how unpleasant it would be to have to worry about that for 8 hours a day, every day.... Still, when the supervisor sent me home saying it wasn't going to work, I felt like I had failed at something and wanted to cry. The saving grace was that on the way home I sent out a fleeting thought -- "Wouldn't it be nice to get home and have a subbing request waiting for me...." That's all. I didn't dwell on it, or even think of it again until I got home and checked my email. Lo and behold, there was! If I try to do this every day, however, it doesn't work. The feeling behind it is different.
Yesterday I drove to Holmen, Wisconsin to interview for the full-time cataloging position with La Crosse County libraries. The La Crosse area is spectacularly beautiful. I make a point of going that direction whenever I go to Geneva to visit my sister just so I can enjoy the scenic beauty crossing the Mississippi River there where glaciers never covered the hills. The interview lasted two hours and seemed to go quite well. Whether or not it is a good match -- I don't know. People keep asking me if I "want" the job. That was even the last question from the interviewers: "If you were offered the position today, would you take it?" My honest answer was: "Relocating is a big decision to make, and I cannot give you an instant answer. I would need time to think about it." So what do I think about it? As far as what I want right now, it's a step in the right direction, and it could open up some interesting possibilities outside of the job aspect. I don't see it as an end in itself, which isn't good or bad, but it's not something that stirs my passion. Maybe that doesn't matter. I'm more interested in comfortable security, at least for the time being. Something I've had far too little of in my life so far. At worst, the job would be somewhat boring. If plans go through to become part of a regional network, I would not be "allowed" to do any original cataloging. In the meantime, I'd be updating my cataloging skills. So it's not a job I'm hoping I don't get. I feel wide open to it, allowing it to be, if it aligns with whatever is the best possible outcome.
Still, perhaps I was feeling just a little bit disappointed on the drive home. This time the thought I sent out was: "If I'm going to do cataloging, I'd like to be able to use my languages more." Presto! Today I got a call out of the blue from The Language Lab. Somebody wanted to have something translated from Welsh to English. The Language Lab found my name on the internet. So tomorrow a woman is coming over with her family Bible and will pay me $30 to translate a few paragraphs written in Welsh in the front of the Bible. Sounds fun!
So do I want the job? I don't know, but I'm willing to play!
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