New Year 2005

Dear Friends,

It's that time of year again, when I imagine myself to be wise and attempt the hopeless task of summing up what I've learned and where I'm at in life. Reading over that last sentence, I like the word imagine. In the past, I have EXPECTED myself to be wise and pretended a positive outlook I wasn't sure I felt. And I came up with some pretty wonderful letters, too! But last year at this time I just couldn't meet my expectations.

In a few weeks I'm turning 50, and I find myself asking the same unanswerable questions I've been asking for years. In terms of expectations, I'm sure NOT where I want to be. But we create our reality. So I'm told. Another one of those hopeless paradoxes. Maybe I'm not SURE where I want to be.... There is never a final answer.

So here's my conclusion this year: LIFE IS HOPELESS. I don't mean we should all give in to despair. But if you're trying to figure out the meaning of life and why things happen, forget it – it's hopeless. Everything you think you know (with your mind) is wrong.

I'm in the same boat as last year, but it feels like a whole different ocean. Things are expanding instead of contracting. The Universe is breathing in at last, after 14 years of breathing out with its lessons of releasing and letting go. The sails are filling up. I don't know what shore lies ahead. Maybe there isn't one. But I'm afloat. I've survived. "Ships are safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for...."

So here's my advice for 2005. ABANDON HOPE. Forget expectations. Relish the moment. Every moment. There is so much wonder and mystery, so much LIFE that is beyond understanding. Now that I KNOW that, I accept every moment with gratitude and joy.

My New Year's resolution is simple. It is IMAGINE MORE. It's not about dieting and losing weight, it's about more walking, more yoga, more vegetables. It's not about getting rid of clutter, it's about more space. It's not about looking for a job, it's about more opportunities, more money, more security.

The biggest irony of this year is that after being laid off as a substitute librarian for Minneapolis last December, and trying with all my power to reinvent myself and my career, the opportunity that came along was becoming a substitute librarian for Carver County libraries. Fewer hours, lower salary. And yet, I'm more at peace than I have been for many years. Go figure. My fears were realized and turned out to be survivable. Things came along, like working part time for the Schubert Club – I got to help with the Bryn Terfel program (famous Welsh bass-baritone), got free tickets to a number of concerts, got to spend time playing the harpsichords and early pianos in the musical instrument museum...more music in my life! Who knows what opportunity will show up next?

I have more Welsh language students this year (two 13-year-olds!), and the dance group has expanded with 5 children (ages 9 to 16)!! We will be the program at this year's annual St. David's Society banquet. I also directed the singing again for the Welsh Christmas Tea.

Mayflower Church has called a new pastor after a long search. She will begin in January. I have been involved with the Just Peace committee and sing with the choir and play the piano. I still knit and make beaded flowers and enjoy a multitude of other hobbies. I've taught myself Old Norse (yes, more languages....) I've made many new friends through the Michael Teachings online spiritual community (www.michaelteachings.com) and formed a local group (though it's a bit like herding cats trying to get together....)

Speaking of cats, Percy and Lily continue to bring me great joy. And I have been blessed with a wonderful family, not too spread out to get together for birthdays and holidays and just because. My sister Dawn lives in town and we get together often. She has a new teacup Yorkie, named Franklin, and he gets cuter every day. Life is full, and it is good!

I give to you a poem that was synchronously emailed to me this week...

Who am I,
that I might be important?
What have I done,
that I might be remembered?

From the length of my walking,
from small to now,
what little I've seen,
what little I know,
from the changes I've tried
to the things left undone,
not yet can I be remembered
to my own satisfaction.

Who am I,
that I might be remembered?
What have I learned
that won't be forgotten?
In all of the answers
I have no questions for
and all of my desires still
unspoken for,
undeniable love I've known so far,
I still want more,
I still want more,
more laughter in the morning
that we don't explain,
more soreness for the effort
though we feel no pain,
more feeling of the joy
that fills the sky,
more knowing that we never die.

(Don Shriver)

Love and blessings,
Laurel

Commas

Never put a period where God has put a comma.
-- Gracie Allen quoted in the (Protestant) United Church of Christ's God Is Still Speaking Campaign

In singing, commas provide places to take a breath. It indicates a pause, but more is coming. This isn't the post I had planned to write next, but the Universe is putting in a comma. I've had a sudden reversal in my employment situation. Yes, I know, that's the name of the game when you're temping. Still, I had been told on Friday it would go through March. Two more months of steady income and security. That seemed assured today as well, when I talked about it again with my "boss". But then later this afternoon, she informed me that it seems they don't have enough computers upstairs. We've been working in a makeshift computer room in the basement of the government center. And they have to be out of this room at the end of the week. So now my last day is Friday.

I try to be as resilient as possible, but at the moment I am a little bit in shock, and am just going to have to go with that while the emotions sort themselves into some kind of composure that allows me to deal with whatever I decide I need to do next. I know that the first step in accepting what cannot be changed, is to acknowledge what your expectations were. It's okay to be sad and disappointed. But recognize that it is the expectation that sets you up for the feelings of loss, grief, frustration, anger. Still, it needs to be acknowledged. Give yourself time to breath. This is one of life's commas. More is coming.

A little bit of humor here: I love the stuff that shows up synchronously in my email. The comma quote was one. Another one that showed up today is this:

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
-- Benjamin Franklin (and often attributed to others, as well)

I was just saying to a friend that the Universe keeps putting me in this precarious position over and over, and expecting me to do something different. I'm coping as well as anybody can. I'm feeling relatively positive. I'm making big changes in my life -- I mean BIG changes. I'm
determined to be proactive in creating my life. So what's the lesson I'm not getting?

Ha! Now I get it! The Universe is Insane!! Bwah hahahahahahah.

That fits quite well with what I wrote in my annual New Year's letter about Life being Hopeless. I'll have to post that letter next. Some people I sent it to didn't understand how I could say life is hopeless. They equated it with hopelessness, which was exactly the opposite of what I was feeling and trying to communicate. I think it's a Zen thing. You either get it, or you don't. By letting go of hope, i.e. the expectation that the Universe should be somehow logical, and that life is something that you can figure out, I discovered the freedom to create my reality. When you hope for certain things, and don't get them, it can be very hard to bear. But if life is hopeless, then anything can happen, even miracles.

More is coming.

Singing

I've been told that I'm wise. I think that just means I'm curious about the Universe, and deeply committed to learning and understanding everything I can about myself and why I'm here. Like every other soul having a human experience, I am on a magical spiritual journey of endless Discovery. Laurel Singing, Sophia Rising is about sharing my journey, and the hope that my wisdom might be an inspiration to others. And so I have created this Blog.

I got the inspiration early this morning while reading my email, when someone shared their own blog website, and so I discovered this site where anyone can create a blog. I've been a journaler since 7th grade, but something about turning 50 has shifted my focus from the inner journey to the outward expression of who I am and where I am going. So I thought creating a blog might be fun. But I couldn't act on the idea immediately. Church intervened and I sing in the choir. It was an important day for my church, welcoming our brand new pastor, Sarah Campbell. I was delighted to discover that the title of her first official sermon this morning was "Singing Our Lives." How appropriate! I love Synchronicity! It has become a regular occurrence in my life. It tells me when I am "in tune" with the Universe around me. I had a former pastor who was often on a parallel wavelength with what was going on in my life. I would go to church and hear exactly what I needed to hear to comfort me during difficult times, or to give voice to thoughts that had been searching for expression, or to provide affirmation of some momentous decision. In Michael terms, such synchronicity would be called an "essence contact" experience. I can imagine my essence or soul collaborating with others behind the scenes of our conscious lives to provide these signposts for ourselves. I suspect the same thing will happen frequently with Sarah. I look forward to getting to know her.

Listening to Sarah's thoughts on singing, it all fit into the blog idea so well. We all have a song inside of us, and it's time for me to sing my song. From Sarah's sermon: "Why do we sing? It's how we bless our lives. Our whole lives, the brokenness and the holiness, the joy and the sorrow, all of it, not just some of it, but all of it....Singing our lives is different from living them. It doesn't enhance the sacredness, but it acknowledges the sacredness. When we sing about grief, or longing, or hope, or joy, we become aware of the wonder and mysteriousness of our lives. Singing our lives is blessing our lives....There is power in the song."

I have been a singer as long as I can remember. There used to be a recording of me at about age 3, made secretly outside the bedroom door, singing when I was supposed to be taking a nap. I've been in choirs regularly since age 7. I majored in music in college, though not in voice. I didn't have the self-assurance to be a soloist. About 12 years ago I had a reading with a psychic who said "You're a singer, and you're going to discover that you have a voice." She was right. I began daring myself to sing solos in church. Five years ago I went with a choir to Wales, the land of my heart and soul, and I sang a solo in Welsh, and I am told that an elderly woman in a wheelchair was moved to tears. There is power in the song....

So here is my song -- the unfolding of my spiritual journey, past, present and future. I am daring myself to put it out to the world: this is who I am. May the singing of my life and the wisdom rising from my soul find resonance.

My life goes on in endless song,
above earth's lamentations.
I hear the real, though far-off hymn,
that hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife,
I hear its music ringing.
It sounds an echo in my soul,
how can I keep from singing?

But though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth it liveth.
And though the darkness round me close,
songs in the night it giveth.
No storm can shake my inmost calm,
while to the rock I'm clinging,
Since Love is Lord of heaven and earth,
how can I keep from singing?

Laurel