Passion

"People keep asking me if I "want" the job.... As far as what I want right now, it's a step in the right direction, and it could open up some interesting possibilities outside of the job aspect. I don't see it as an end in itself, which isn't good or bad, but it's not something that stirs my passion."

After writing that over two weeks ago, the word "passion" suddenly began appearing everywhere. It was a subject thread in one of the email forums I belong to, and quite a prolific one, so I was getting many emails a day putting the word in front of my consciousness. A certain male friend of mine suddenly became much more "passionate" in his email expressions. The usual XOXO became XOoxXOoxXOoxXO
oxoXoXoXoXoXxOxOxOxOxOxxxXXXoooOOOXOXOXOXOXOXOEXX! Television began airing numerous commercials for Mel Gibson's movie "The Passion -- Recut." I am currently reading "The Heart of Healing" edited by Dawson Church, a book that I had requested the Carver County Library system purchase. Chapter Three is an article by Sandra Ingerman about her work with shamanism and soul retrieval. I was struck by her description of working with a woman with advanced AIDS, and the comment that perhaps one of the reasons we are seeing such an upsurge in strong bacterial and viral infections today, might be because we have lost the ability to live with passion in our lives. These life-forms have more passion to live than we do, and have a faster learning curve when it comes to thriving no matter what medications we come up with to destroy them.

And here was yet another job that I just did not feel passionate about. I began to ask myself what DO I feel passionate about? I didn't have to think very hard. The previous Sunday, my Welsh dance group had performed for the St. David's Society's annual banquet. I have a children's group this year, and they did so very well. I was immensely proud of them! Do I feel passionate about those kids? You bet I do! I feel passionate about my niece and two nephews. I feel passionate about music and dancing. I feel passionate about subbing as a reference librarian and about helping people find answers to questions, information to enrich their lives, and good books to read for pleasure. And I feel passionate about Carver County, which gave me the subbing job last July, and whose staff make me feel valuable.

I didn't get the La Crosse position, and I didn't waste any energy feeling badly about it. Besides, another data entry temp job had come along (to begin on the 14th), and an interview for the two Carver County positions on March 10th. I didn't really have any time to think about it. Life was moving along at a rapid pace, and I was in the flow. One of the positions would be 25 hours a week as a Youth Services librarian in Watertown. The other one was 20 hours a week as a general librarian in Waconia. I knew my heart leaned toward Waconia -- bigger, brand new library, better location, pleasant commute, BUT Watertown represented 5 hours more income per week and the opportunity to work with children, which is one of my passions. So it seemed to be a toss-up. I am not normally a demonstrative person. We learn to hide our feelings growing up. It's not "safe" to show people what you feel. So I did my best to connect with my passion, at least internally, during the interview. And afterwards, I let it go. The new temp job started Monday, and again, I just didn't have time to think about it. I did nine hours of data entry on Monday. I asked the company about letting me continue subbing, since I had some scheduled hours coming up the following day, and the company was willing to be flexible if I could make up some of the lost hours on alternate days. So on Tuesday I did data entry from 8 am until 2:30 pm. Then went to Chanhassen and worked at the library from 3 pm until 8 pm. At 8 am on Wednesday I was back at the data entry job with another nine hours ahead of me. It was a very long day. The pinched nerve in my bad shoulder got worse and worse, and I found myself thinking "I'm really grateful for the work this week, but I can't keep doing this. My body won't take it." At about 3:45 I decided to play a game with the radio. Whatever piece was announced first after 4:00 would have a message for me. Then I went on my break. I came back at 4:00, and when the piece finished playing, the announcer identified it as Mozart's Symphony #16. I thought "Oh. 16. I'll find out about the job on the 16th.....Oh! Today is the 16th!" Sure enough, when I got home there was a message on my answering machine to call Carver County Human Resources. But it was too late to call back that evening.

Thursday was another big day. My court hearing for bankruptcy was in the afternoon. I had planned to do data entry until noon or so, but my shoulder was hurting too much Wednesday evening and I needed to put ice on it. Since I was pretty sure the phone call meant a job offer, I decided to stay home Thursday morning. I could rest my shoulder, and I could make the call to Carver County in the privacy of home instead of among strangers at the data entry job. And then I would also have the time to make other phone calls and send out email to tell everyone I had a job!!!! And so it turned out. It was a grand day!! And the fact that it was also St. Patrick's Day did not escape me. The luck of the Irish, and all that..... The court hearing was very short and matter of fact. There wasn't even any pronouncement to say "Now your debts are discharged." The reality of this new beginning will have to wait for the official letter from the court.

And now, FINALLY, 15 years after losing my first library position, after 15 YEARS of subbing and temping and scraping and worrying and interviewing over and over and over again, and even trying to reinvent myself as something other than a librarian, I have another permanent positon. I am now a librarian for the Waconia branch library in Carver County. It is and will be (of course) the perfect position. They want me to start already on Tuesday!

Tomorrow is Palm Sunday and I half expect to walk into church to "Hail! The Conquering Hero Comes." There is joy and relief and triumph, and at the same time there is sadness. Sadness that this didn't happen 12 years ago. This is how it was supposed to be with Minneapolis, and wasn't. All of the grief that I have been through.... I can't just bury it. So as I head into the holy Passion week, when we celebrate both the triumph of Jesus' entry into Jerusalem, and his subsequent betrayal and trial and crucifixion, I am aware that I need to give attention to both the victory and the shadow side, and to acknowledge the darkness I have been through, before I will be able to really appreciate the resurrection of my career and my finances. I expect to be in tears on Good Friday. There is so much to be released, so much that needs to be grieved and healed. And so much to be thankful for. Hallelujah!!!