A dream last night

I was in the middle of a dream when I awoke this morning, which means I was able to recall it although the details are already fading and somewhat vague. It is probably just a typical anxiety dream.

I am singing. There are two others with me. It might be a class. Or maybe an audition. There is a fourth person (teacher?) accompanying on the piano. I notice that it is 5:00 -- my time is up (like on a job), but we aren't finished. 'They'll have to pay me overtime I'm thinking.

The scene changes. Someone is asking me about some food menus or instructions that I was responsible for handing out. There were three items on the menu (I remember sweet potatoes was one of them.) It seems as if I am in charge of writing up the instructions. My helpers or co-workers are responsible for filling the orders. They are asking for clarification of my instructions.

The scene changes again. I am told to call someone. Again I am part of a team. It is like a library job sort of, in that we are doing some kind of research for someone. I am to call this person with our results, which are that we haven't found anything. I don't want to call this person. I have been involved with her before -- I had accompanied her in an audition (does this relate to the first scene? except in this audition I was the piano player.) (I am recalling this as if it were an earlier dream or past experience. Even now, I (the one typing this) recall that dream as if it had been a real dream. If it was, it may have been several days or weeks ago. Very strange.) She blamed me for causing her to blow the audition. I felt badly that I hadn't played better for her, but I didn't feel that I was responsible. It was only a small flub, but it caused her to lose her concentration and her confidence. She should have been able to recover.

In the last part of the dream I am confiding in my mother (teacher, boss? -- the same person who wants me to call this woman, I think). I am telling her I am no good at anything (there's a long list of failures...) I am clearly feeling an extreme lack of self-esteem.

Observations:
The reason I say this is an anxiety dream, is because this is exactly how I'm feeling in real life. I was deeply discouraged by not getting an audition for that accompanying job. The dream seems to be about my primary Chief Features (Michael terminology for the fears that we fixate on and create illusions around, which influence our behavior) arrogance and self deprecation. Arrogance = the fear of being judged, of being vulnerable. Self deprecation = the fear of being inadequate.

Perhaps it is a good sign that I am auditioning. Singing to me represents pushing myself beyond my comfort level. That is the goal of growth -- constantly pushing beyond comfort levels in order to overcome challenges and grow. I've done this my whole life -- I feel the fear and do it anyway. I like to sing solos at church. I think I have a pretty voice, but self deprecation keeps me always anxious about putting myself out there. I don't always handle compliments very well -- I'm very critical of myself.

Singing also suggests this blog (Laurel Singing...), putting myself "out there" -- even my psychic self, that part of me that frightens others, and that I have spent many years suppressing. This blog is about unsuppressing that part of me. I don't know who will read it. I anticipate old friends and even my family not understanding at all. More than one person has misinterpreted the thoughts in my last Christmas letter, and expressed worry and concern. One of them even sent me a book saying that turning my life over to God would help me find the answers. As if I don't already have a deep and personal connection with God and with my spirituality. We just don't share the same "language." Perhaps that is a gap that can't be bridged. And why should I care? But I do. I am overly sensitive to what other people think of me.

Does 5:00 represent being 50? Most of my working life should be over by now, and yet I am still in an entry-level position and only part-time at that. Yes, that is one of the "failures" on my long list...

Food -- this could represent my ability to feed myself, financial security and all that. That area of my life is still far, far shakier than I would like it to be. Perhaps it also represents my efforts at manifesting. I'm giving "instructions" to the Universe about what I want, but my intentions must not be clear enough. So how do I set clear intentions, free of the underlying self-doubts and past failures that I am still hanging onto? Is that what this dream is about?

Food also has played a big part in my ulcerative colitis, both in its cause and in its treatment. I have been worried about a flare-up with all of the stress I've been under lately. I have also been trying very hard to NOT give energy to those thoughts (we attract what we think about....) There have been some physical symptoms lately, but those have lessened in the last few days. So whatever I am doing, it seems to be working. And sweet potatoes are very good for me. It's one of my healing foods. Hmm - let's see if I have any in my pantry. It may be on tonight's menu!

As for the third scene, I am both the accompanist and the woman who auditioned. The woman is my "personality," or ego, the accompanist is my "essence," or higher self, behind the scenes. The past dream -- past failures that have caused me to lose confidence in where essence is leading me? Yes, personality should have been able to recover perhaps, but essence forgets how difficult it really is on the physical plane.

There are so many layers to dreams. This is probably only scratching the surface.

A day in the life of Laurel

This blog has been much on my mind this week, while also exploring various Yahoo features designing the email (and more?) class that I will be teaching at the library at the end of September. One of my Shamanism groups has a new web home at spaces.msn.com which lets you create a journal, photo albums, and lots of lists. Now Yahoo has come out with a beta version of the same thing which they are calling 360°, and I have created a page for myself. How I will use it, I don't exactly know yet. I don't need to duplicate THIS blog. I am also not sure how people get to it. I think they have to be invited, and become a "member" which I don't like. If that is the case, it seems useless to me. Perhaps I could create a website instead, but that is more work than I want to do at the moment.

While adding content to my Yahoo start page this morning -- looking for Welsh newspapers -- my search came across a blog titled A Life in Wales. The writing is beautifully contemplative, almost reminding me of Thoreau's On Walden Pond. I was sucked in immediately and read the entire blog from first entry to last. It is written by a woman my age who lives with two cats, ponders her inner life and the world around her, struggles with a chronic illness, and talks about the pull of a place that feels like home (western Ireland in her case.) I felt a deep connection and decided to send her an email. Meanwhile tears were running down my face, saying "pay attention -- there is something here for you." I added it to my page so that I will know whenever it has been updated.

It all got me thinking again about my blog, and how I have not yet gone where I intended to go with it, although my post about the Other side of the coin is an attempt to get back on track. Not that it has to have a "track" -- it is just my life as it happens. And life has a lot of detours, that is for sure. Anyway, the woman who writes A Life in Wales illustrates her blog with digital photographs. I have wanted a digital camera for some time now. One of things I want to be able to do is take pictures of my beaded flowers in progress and use them to illustrate the patterns I want to publish. I've taken pictures with my SLR Canon Rebel and can scan them into the computer for posting, BUT it is singularly difficult to get good pictures of the flowers. I might take a whole roll of pictures only to get it back from the developer and discover that none of them are any good. It's hard to get the lighting right, and eliminate the shadows from using flash, etc.

So I spent the next few hours online looking at reviews of digital cameras and what features I need. Naturally I want to get the best I can get, not a cheap one. I haven't used any credit in well over a year now, although it has only been about 6 months since the bankruptcy. I have a Best Buy card -- I bought my computer with it five years ago and it is long since paid off. So I thought "Well -- maybe it's time to charge something not too expensive -- in the $300 range or less -- and use the payments to start rebuilding my credit rating." That's what the books recommend doing anyway. On the other hand, I have used SLR cameras my whole life, and don't really like the point and shoot variety. But digital SLR cameras are still very expensive...

So I went to Best Buy. (BTW -- I found a penny as I was getting into my car.) The first thing I did was go to customer service. I wanted to know how much camera I could afford with payments of no more than $25 a month. Well since I haven't used the card in several years I was told it has expired. I applied for a new one. It was declined. Figures. I guess it is still too soon after the bankruptcy. I'll be getting a letter explaining the reason. Perhaps it's for the best. The model I "really" wanted isn't available from Best Buy. Still, I had anticipated the fun of trying out different models at the store. I still could have, but I didn't. I came home feeling discouraged. I shouldn't feel that way. I already have an extra $200 from the extra days of work in my last paycheck.

On the way home, deep in my thoughts of frustration and failure, I was startled by a loud thwack on the side of the car. Some kid had thrown a rock at me!!! I turned my head and watched him bolt. What the hell?? What was his intent? He could have shattered the window. Fortunately, he missed. What drew this experience to me? What thoughts do I need to pay attention to? If it's true we create our reality, what does this mean? I haven't come up with anything yet. Except that I need to let go of the frustration (and maybe buried anger?) about where my life IS at the moment.

I picked up my mail on the way in. And noticed a little package from someone I know through the Michael lists. From rocks being thrown at me, to unexpected presents in the space of 30 minutes. What warranted this gift? It seems she used to belong to The Spiritual Cinema Circle (www.SpiritualCinemaCircle.com) and was sending me a DVD of a feature film made in Wales, saying "I couldn't think of anyone but you who would enjoy it more." I smiled at the synchronicity of that with the Welsh blog from this morning. And for the second time today I had tears running down my face.

A small manifestation

I have a huge "to do" list today, but I wanted to share something that happened yesterday. It really is nothing of huge interest, but it was one of those moments that make me pause. Manifesting big stuff -- cars, houses, jobs -- it's hard to take credit for. But it's the little things, like finding pennies, that make me think maybe I'm actually co-creating here... If nothing else, it indicates the lines of communication between me and the Universe are OPEN!

So here's the story. I have a big awkward piece of tagboard to which I have tied a 1" strand of each color of seed beads that I have for making my beaded flowers. But I decided I wanted something more portable that I can take to the bead store with me. A long time ago, on the beaded flower list I'm on, someone had said they made a small sample in each color and attached them to a key ring. So I wanted to make something similar.

I went to Office Max and searched the shelves. I decided on some round key tags for labeling each sample with the color number and manufacturer. I could easily attach the sample to the tag and string them all onto a big ring of some kind. I could picture this ring - it had to be big enough to hold about 100 samples, and open and close. I didn't know what to call it or how to describe it very well. The salesman did his best, but all he came up with was a small ring like for a three ring binder. I'm not sure if those would work, but they were too small anyway. I got all the other things I needed on my shopping list and so all that was left was to find this ring.

I decided to go across the street to a K-Mart store. I wandered all over from the hardware section to automotive to office supplies, even to the sports and bicycle supplies. Nothing. I decided I'd probably have to go to a hardware store. But on the way out, at the end of a shelf in the bath towels section, something caught my eye. There was just what I needed looped through a hole in the shelf. Just sitting there. Nothing attached to it. It didn't seem to be part of the display or to "belong" to the store in any way. I even wandered up and down several more aisles, but no other shelves had rings attached to them. So I didn't think I was stealing to take it. Probably some kid put it there. Who knows? I opened the ring and unhooked it from the shelf, feeling just a little bemused.

I'm still a bit bemused looking at it now. But I'm happily having fun making the tags and samples and stringing them onto my ring.

The Other side of the coin...

"Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)" ~Walt Whitman

After writing the previous post, I went out for a walk this evening. I needed some fresh air and exercise, and to get away from the computer. And I found a penny...so here's the other side of the coin.

Not to belittle my frustration and anxiety over long term financial and career issues, I recognize that there has been a payoff. And when all is said and done, I'm not sure that I would have had it any other way. The advantages have been a great deal of flexibility and free time. Without children and a husband there has been the solitude I crave - a peacefulness to my life that I think I have been waiting for for several lifetimes. The opportunity to heal on some very deep physical and emotional levels, and to develop a deep understanding of myself and the Universe. I have been able to pay attention and to contemplate all of the great mysteries of existence. I think that is a very great gift, and how fortunate I am that I have been able to do all this, along with the satisfaction of finding answers to other people's questions, researching whatever topics strike my fancy, pursuing a myriad of interests from learning to make beaded flowers to learning Old Norse, teaching Welsh language classes, running a folk dance performing group, knitting prize-winning sweaters, organizing a major Celtic Festival, building a harpsichord, directing choirs and the Welsh Christmas program, the recorder group I had in Omaha, the Welsh quartet Crempogau that performed for an international audience at the Welsh National Gymanfa Ganu in Ohio, singing a solo in Welsh in churches all across North Wales and Chester, and how about that full page article about ME in the Chester Chronicle! I can't believe all the things I have done. I am amazing! And I am blessed. Sometimes I forget that.

One of my joys has been the time to really delve into the Michael Teachings, and to become a "presence" in the online community. It started, simply enough, with discovering an online beaded flower group in July 2001. It wasn't long before I discovered there were groups on every imaginable topic: Crohn's-Colitis groups, Welsh language groups, metaphysical groups, and wonder of wonders - a Michael group. That was MichaelOptions, now nearly defunct, but then a thriving public community revolving around Michael channel Terri Claire Benning. She did quite a lot of free public channeling back then, and some of it was utterly life changing. It validated things that I had never been able to put into words before, but which I knew were true about me and my experience. It offered insights into the challenges of my life, and as Michael says the teachings aren't intended to be "true," but to be useful.

So here is the other side of the coin of this 5th generation "Preacher's Kid," who is deeply spiritual, but not willing to be pinned down to any particular theological "dogma." I consider myself a Christian, but I also have memories of past lives, have had telepathic contact from something that I could only recognize as "alien," have had fore-knowledge of things like my sister's miscarriage, my nephew Connor's conception and birthdate, and the job in Oneonta. I have glimpsed an angel, seen dead people, and had too many mystical experiences to ignore the journey it has been leading me on all these years. It's quite a balancing act. I hide my Christian side from folks who think all Christians are Bible-thumping, narrow-minded fundamentalists. And I hide my "psychic" side from just about everybody. It scares people. It still scares me!

But I am changing that. Maybe at midlife I just am no longer willing to try and be what other people want me to be. It's time to stop trying to protect myself against the fear of being rejected, the fear of being different, of not fitting in, and not being understood, the fear of being feared. The healing journey began in earnest when I dared to share some of these experiences with my therapists and found them to be very open and supportive even though they themselves had no frame of reference for understanding. But what really turned the tide was finding people that DID have that frame of reference. It took a long time and I remember how frustrating it felt when I didn't have that support.

One of the online groups I am in has been redefining itself this summer, and as one of the moderators I have had a big hand in that. It is becoming the kind of "psychic" support group that I despaired of finding 10 years ago. I won't give the name of the group here, since for now it is still a private group. Here is the new description that I wrote for the group's website:

We have created this to be a place where we can explore those experiences in our lives that tell us who we are, what we are here to do, and how to grow and heal. How do we access the inner "wisdom" for living our lives? Some people channel, or are learning to channel. Some people seek out channels, or psychics, or even psychiatrists. Some people use tools like astrology, or Tarot, or runes, or kinesiology, or their Michael "charts." Some of us are exploring Shamanistic journeying, OBE's, dreams, past lives, working with animal and spirit guides, the principles of manifesting, or other explorations of personal power (trying out our "wings"). Some of us have experienced intuitive insights, synchronicities, ESP, angels, or extraterrestrial contact.

ALL of the above is what this list is about. We want to be a discussion and support group for the sharing of personal experiences relating to the Michael teachings, spiritual growth, and/or understanding the self. All experiences are valid.

Welcome to my world. I hope that sharing my thoughts and experiences makes your journey a little easier.

Wait and see...

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven..."
~Ecclesiastes

I have been talking a lot lately about being in a "wait and see" period. Waiting goes against the grain in our "take charge and just do it" society. "Don't put off 'til tomorrow what you can do today." In many ways this has been a very busy summer. I look at everything that is needing to be done, and then I look at how busy I have been, and it is no wonder if I am craving a pause.

There are times when intuition seems to go against logic. I am thinking I used to trust it a lot more than I do now. I remember getting my first library job in Oneonta. Every step seemed fated. I had to believe that there was a purpose I couldn't see, and that everything would work out just fine. It had been nine months since my first job interview at Yale University, with not another nibble. My job applications seemed to be going into a black hole. I might as well have just spent that time waiting. Every action I took seemed to be a waste of energy. The last of my money had been used up when I saw the small advertisement in Library Journal. It wasn't what *I* wanted. I'd been looking for an academic setting, perhaps in a place like Boston, or New Haven, or even Ithaca. This was a very small town public library, with a very small, even laughable salary. But the instant I saw the ad I knew this was my next job. I railed against God for the next two weeks before I gave in and sent my application. Could I have said no? It didn't seem so. My financial situation was now desperate, and I couldn't ignore any avenue.

The job situation turned out to be a disaster. Oh, I know that moving out there just at that time, enabled me to attend Welsh Heritage Week for the first time, meet my dear friend Alice Williams, then President of the Welsh Folk Dance Society, and become one of 11 certified Welsh folk dance instructors in North America. And Welsh folk dancing and the contacts I've made since then have brought a lot of joy and purpose to my life. But in terms of the JOB, and of my library career, it was a disaster. And for a long time after that, I treated my intuition with a great deal of suspicion and distrust. "NOW, where are you leading me, and why.....?"

The whole library career came after a lot of struggle to figure out what to do with my life. I had followed my heart into musicology hoping to teach in a University and direct a collegium. But health and other issues made that goal all but impossible. At first the library career was to be a stepping stone in achieving that goal. I'd get a job in an academic music library, be able to finish my thesis, and then perhaps get a Ph. D. in Medieval Studies. That was what *I* wanted. It didn't happen. I knew that taking a job in a public library would likely mean the academic career I wanted would be a closed door. As time went on, I realized that I truly loved the public library setting, with its much broader focus on serving the entire community, not just a narrow part of it.

Of course, just as I lost the job in Oneonta, Reagonomics had devastated library budgets across the nation. It took two years before I got the job as an oncall substitute for the Minneapolis Public Library system. Except for a cataloging job that lasted only a year-and-a-half before I was "down-sized," all of my efforts to find a permanent full-time position have come to nothing. Believe me, it isn't for lack of trying. I have followed my "bliss." I have agonized over every choice, every turning point, and asked myself over and over what could I have done (or do now) differently? The only possible answer is to let go of the outcome and trust the Universe to provide. If I can't see the way ahead, all I can do is wait. Everything else is wasted effort.

Somehow all of this ties into the manifesting lessons. Things seemed to be moving ahead at last with this permanent position (though part-time) with Waconia Library. I am one month away now from the end of my probationary period. But is a part-time job enough? There is now a bottom line to my income, but that bottom line only provides a bare minimum. So I am still "dependent" on the Universe to provide extra hours to cover any desire or necessity beyond basic bills, gasoline, and groceries.

Just like I knew at least a year ahead that the Minneapolis job was ending, yet was powerless to make the next job appear any sooner that it did -- which entailed a year-and-a-half of unemployment culminating in bankruptcy -- I have known for the past year that I will have to move out of this apartment at some point. The landlord is in the process of converting these buildings to condos. I started looking at places earlier in the summer, but I am quite limited by my current income. Or am I? I just can't quite find the leap of faith to consider a higher rent without a more sure income. I keep looking at that bottom line.

I should be encouraged by the fact that since the start of this job I have had an average of 27 hours per week instead of 20. My "logical" self says, "Yes, but, most of that was because the branch manager was out on maternity leave. Over the last 7 weeks it has only been about 22.5 hours average. Still, that extra 2.5 hours represents at least $150 a month. So stop worrying..." Yeah, right. My car required over $1,000 in repairs a few weeks ago. It took every cent I had saved above what I need for bills and groceries. Back to where I was in March. Only no maternity leave this time. On the other hand, I WAS able to pay it, without borrowing any money. I just don't like how vulnerable it makes me feel. And every time I hear brakes squealing outside - and it seems to happen a lot lately with some idiot car driver racing down this narrow street - I pray "PLEASE, don't hit my car!" Hey, it happened here 10 years ago. Someone hit my parked car. It was totalled, and for the next 7 years I took the bus everywhere. I can't do that now. My job is 35 miles away.

So trust and intuition has taken a beating. I feel vulnerable and at the whims of a capricious Universe, even though some part of me also believes in Divine Order, and that we create our reality. I have been trying to heal that vulnerability for a long time now. I thought this job would be a turning point. And maybe it is, but right now it is "wait and see." The landlord keeps changing his mind about when he is going to start work on the building. In mid-July he told me March. I decided to quit looking at apartments and try and get another part-time (or even a full-time?) job before then. I had great hopes in an accompanying job that my church organist was leaving. It would have brought an extra $6,000 a year. Perfect! And doing something that I have loved in the past. I got myself through graduate school as a high school accompanist. So I put that desire out to the Universe.

I thought I had a very strong resume with all of my previous experience. But the same day I paid the car repair bill, I got a phone call that they are not selecting me to audition for the position. I was very depressed for the next few days. On top of that, the landlord told me "it's going to be a lot sooner than March..." Now what. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.