Good Friday

We had a VERY moving Good Friday service last night with choir selections alternating with readings. I just have to say how proud I am to be on the front lines of a Christianity that is NOT dogmatic. The minister started out by saying "This is the traditional interpretation of the Easter story..." and gave the usual dogma about the sacrifice of Jesus and "dying for our sins". I was almost in shock for a moment. Ha! Then she said,"But that is not the ONLY interpretation..." and the service proceeded to tell the story, as I believe it, of a good and passionate man who was willing to die for believing that it is possible to create a world of peace and justice without violence. That segued into modern day examples, like Martin Luther King, in a very powerful way. Very sobering to think that people are STILL dying and suffering, yet refusing to fight violence with violence.

Well, the fact that we live in a "Good Friday" world is nothing new. I was thinking on the drive to church about how happy I am, and so my emotions just weren't going to match the mood of the service. And I've had plenty of Easters where the same was true, feeling very much at odds because I just couldn't get into the joyous spirit of the day. It wasn't all that long ago that I was struggling with the loss of yet another job, the loss of my car, the loss of a beloved cat, the loss of the dream of marriage and children, a friendship gone bewilderingly wrong, severe and life threatening health issues, financial issues, etc. At the time it all seemed like my fault somehow. Why couldn't I MAKE things right? Why was my life so full of suffering? Where had I gone so wrong? I still remember thinking I should just be able to snap out of it, until I finally sought some counseling and the therapist listening to my story of all these losses, many of which seemed so ambiguous to me - not something concrete and tangible, and yet I was grieving profoundly - said to me "What you are dealing with is WORSE than the loss of a spouse. Any ONE of these things would be a lot to deal with, but the cumulative effect..." and she shook her head in amazement and empathy. And I thought "Wow! Maybe I'm not doing so badly after all." Maybe I finally had permission to grieve. To have compassion for MYSELF.

I remember those Easters. And I am grateful for this Good Friday. My life isn't perfect, but it is getting better and better. I have a new project at work, which makes me feel productive and a lot more secure. We'll soon have a new manager. I just got my annual step increase - about an extra $100 a month. My car is still running, and I think I do not need to look for a new one just yet. In fact, it was very serendipitous how the radiator went out driving from church to Dawn's last Sunday. And that she has a neighbor just a block away who repairs cars in his garage - who put in a new radiator AND fixed the power steering at a very reasonable price. The dance group and language classes are all going strong. I am grateful to have family nearby. I have good friends in town, and I am starting to meet and get to know my neighbors down the road. I have wonderful online friends, and I am meeting more and more of them every year. I have a wonderful landlord, who actually PAYS me to create the garden which is my pride and joy. I watched birds all day long outside my window today and delighted in it. Percy is doing well on Prozac and all the cats are getting along again. Dorothy (church organist) asked me last night if I would be able to do the solos for church on Memorial weekend, AND be prepared to jump in and play the hymns if the substitute organist (since Dorothy will be gone) has to back out at the last minute because of family issues... She said "Who else can I ask, that would be able to do it on short notice?" That's quite a compliment.

Yes, I don't want to live in a basement forever. Yes, I want a job with health insurance. Yes, I want even more income, (but not necessarily more hours!) Yes, I want to have an intimate relationship. And yes, I still hope that I will be a grandmother some day, even though I probably won't get to be a mother. I want a dog. I want to be able to travel. I want to see Iceland, New Zealand, Amsterdam, Alaska. I want to learn to play the harp. And most of all, I want to make a difference. I know that I already have.