Past, Present, Future

It seems I'm already lapsing in my intentions to keep up this blog more often! On second thought, maybe twice a month is a reasonable goal... And a reasonable question to ask myself is why am I writing this blog? Not for fame and fortune. Mostly it is a way to keep family and friends I don't see regularly informed about my life. I think I also wanted it to be like an ongoing Christmas letter, where I get philosophical and wise. But this year's letter wasn't a bit philosophical or spiritual. (Sorry Dawn.) I'm not even posting it here. In a way this blog is also like a diary, intended to keep track of things that *I* want to recall (like the books I've read) or to keep a record of synchronicities, things I've "manifested," long-term goals, dreams, channeling. And except for the above mentioned family and friends, I don't think anybody reads this blog anyway.

Well, let's face it. There's been a huge shift this past year, from things internal to things external: moving, creating a new home environment, creating a garden, having a job with a fixed schedule, having five Welsh students, running a performing dance group, visiting family, having family and friends visit me, having parties. Without the health issues, the money issues, and the job-hunting issues, which all add up to spinning your wheels endlessly trying to get out of that rut, life moves merrily along full of doing, instead of so much thinking and feeling and wondering why and what is the meaning of life. Surely that's not a bad thing at all!

There's an interesting study out that says people with amnesia (i.e. with no past) also have no future. They have great difficulty imagining a future, setting goals, etc. I find that fascinating for some reason. Writers like Eckhart Tolle extol the virtues of living in the NOW. We spend a lot of time rehashing the past, and worrying about the future. It makes sense to let go of past hurts, and let go of trying to control how the future will unfold, because all our regret, disappointment, anxiety, and worry makes it impossible to truly enjoy the present. On the other hand, it seems to me that the absense of a past, and the inability to plan and dream a future, would also be an impediment to being wholly present in the moment.

AH! I think I have an idea. The NOW must be not the "present," but a neutral state which includes past, present, and future all in perfect balance. And so, having reflected on the past in my last post, and before I move on to looking at my plans and goals for this year, I will record the "present:"

• Home. Office Depot had white bookcases on sale right before Christmas. I bought seven and have finally replaced all of the old plastic shelves that I had. I would have only bought 6, but the 6th one turned out to be the wrong bookcase. Wrong for what I thought I was getting for the bedroom, but absolutely perfect for the living room! So I kept it. It is much larger than the bookcases I got for the bedroom, and it is antique white, which perfectly matches the front door and living room curtains. I have not organized them completely yet, but almost all of my books are now unpacked. I've even unpacked books that stayed in boxes for all of my nearly 12 years in the Powderhorn apartment. Next on my wish list is a nice wooden dining room table and chairs, and some wicker furniture like a loveseat and a rocking chair for the porch.
• Cats. I think we are over the "new cat" stage. I actually saw all three cats playing together yesterday. Yay! Percy still over-reacts to everything and I think I must continue using the Feliway, at least for now. Gwen has an appointment with the vet in Norwood on Tuesday. They need to see her before scheduling a spay. I think I will have them check again for worms. And she has been scratching and losing fur on her head and neck. I don't think it is fleas. Perhaps an allergy??
• Family. My father gave us a scare last week, with some atrial fibrillation. The concern with that is blood clotting, so now he is on blood thinners. I just got back from another trip to Illinois, to see them (the doctor let him travel) and to see Connor in The Wizard of Oz. I also saw Calen play soccer. Becky got sick with a cold. But I had a good time anyway.
• Car. I not only need a new radiator, but the drive belt broke just as I was leaving Illinois. That would most likely mean replacing the compressor again. I did that a year and a half ago and it was over $1,000. At the moment, I think I will NOT fix it, but will put up with having no power steering. I'm not quite ready to buy another car yet. I don't want to have to make payments, and the insurance would be an additional cost. We'll see how it goes though. I may talk to the credit union, at least, and see where I'd be at for financing a car loan.
• Job. I am feeling very secure, which is kind of a novelty after subbing for so many years, and then the upheavals of this past year. I had a very good year-end review, and my hours have been increased to 28 hours a week. Still no health insurance, but my health is good at the moment (knock on wood.) I JUST learned today, that Maggie, who replaced Susan less than a year ago, has accepted a job with Minneapolis. She is leaving in two weeks. Oh my goodness! More changes. And Suzzanne is about to have her baby any day now. That could mean some extra subbing, at least for a couple of months. I'd say things are about to get very interesting.
• Money. Loving the extra hours! And expecting my check for last year's holidays in a week or so. Then I can pay off my overdraft loan (all those bookcases, heh heh, and Christmas presents, and buying drugs from Canada...), pay off the doctor bill from last May, and pay the rest of last year's church pledge. That should bring me square with everything. I have a brand new budget plan already worked out, that I am eager to begin implementing.

Oops! I think I'm anticipating the future. But I like feeling eager. And that isn't possible without something to look forward to! And the future is looking good!