Holding the space

What a long week! Almost 36 hours of work, dance rehearsal, choir rehearsal, Festival of Nations details, and finding a new home. I went to the farm after work yesterday and met the wife, signed the lease, and paid the deposit and April rent. Then I had a ticket for Princess Ida (Gilbert and Sullivan) from one of my Welsh students. She and her mother were in it. It was a long show and I had to get up early this morning as the church choir was doing both services.

We sang Robert Ray's "Gospel Mass" with guest soloist Libby Turner, who sings with Voices of Blackness. It was phenomenal. There is nothing like gospel-style music to touch the emotions. Even so, I was surprised to find myself once again needing to release all of the pent up "things." I can't be any more specific than that. I told Sarah that there's a great tug of war going on inside between wanting to celebrate and needing to grieve, between hope and anxiety, the whole gamut of emotions. All I can do is try and hold the space in my heart for all of them at once. Whatever will be from moment to moment is what is, and is okay.

It is difficult because everyone around me wants to congratulate me, and I feel such a strong need to say "Yes, but...." It's not that I am trying to be negative, I just want to make sure THOSE feelings don't get buried. Those feelings are there too, and I almost have to fight to have them acknowledged.

I took laundry to Darlene and Lloyd's this evening. Perhaps for the last time. I am really looking forward to having my own washer and dryer! I asked Darlene to do some energy work on me, because I was feeling so jagged. I really expected there to be an emotional release, and was surprised that it took physical form instead (shivering, legs twitching, muscle spasms, etc.) I shook for a good 10 minutes after Darlene finished the session. I am shortly to bed now, as I feel like a rag doll. But the knot in my solar plexus is gone. I can feel how much more relaxed I am. And perhaps there is enough space for ALL the emotions now, so that they don't have to compete with each other to get my attention.