From the past : New Year 2003

It has been a year full of questions. Another year on a path of growth without knowing what lies ahead. Perhaps I am finally learning that life is always like that – that answers are never absolute – that change is the only constant. If I can make peace with that… What was it Rilke said to his young friend? Try to love the questions…

The biggest question for me is still “What am I doing with my life? Am I where I am supposed to be? If I love being a librarian why isn’t that path opening up for me?” And “What do I do about it if it isn’t?” With the moving of the downtown library to temporary quarters for the next few years, and severe budget woes affecting the entire state, subbing has become a very precarious existence. I am supplementing, for now, with unemployment insurance, knowing that is a temporary stopgap at best. On the other hand, I am greatly enjoying the relative freedom of unstructured days to do with as I please – knowing that is temporary, too. For now, I am choosing to continue to put my energy into the library profession and to stay in the Minneapolis area, come what may, but also keeping an eye open to alternatives. Who knows what may pop up unexpectedly?

In order to expand my ability to respond to unexpected alternatives, I have finally gotten myself a car again. Don’t ask me how I’ve managed it. Some combination of opportunity, determination, and following my intuition! It is a beautiful deep blue 1995 Mazda Protégé, with over 100,000 miles on it. Nevertheless, it is an excellent car in great shape. I am thankful for it every day, and wonder how I managed for so long without it. No more commuting two hours a day on buses. No more planning every shopping trip, and trying to carry too many groceries. No more asking for rides to church and other events. It has made a HUGE difference in my life. I was able to go and visit my parents in Rapid City, and see their new apartment for the first time since they moved. I am able to visit my sister and family in Illinois, and did so for Christmas. I will be going back next month to celebrate birthdays with my nephew and brother-in-law as I used to do. And I was able to travel 300 miles in November to pick up a new addition to my family, even though everyone thinks that was nutty.

Meet Tiger Lily, a most remarkable kitten, with a remarkable history, and one would know why I did that. She was an orphan, like Percy, and hand raised by bottle with her two brothers by a woman in Chatham, Ontario. I knew Kathryn through an online group and we chat often about cats, and spirituality, and scholarly pursuits. When it came time to find homes for the kittens, Tiger Lily was given to a stranger sight unseen, through a friend taking one of the others. Kathryn wasn’t expecting to give her up, and her misgivings grew when she learned that the circumstances were not what she had been told. The attempt to get Tiger Lily back was fraught with anxiety and uncertainty. The other kitten came back but not Tiger Lily. Not until a lesson had been learned in letting go and trusting the universe. In the meantime, I decided that if by some miracle Tiger Lily was returned, that she would have a home here and be a sister for Percy. I had fallen in love with the pictures that Kathryn had posted. Well, lo and behold, they dropped her off one night in a box reeking of cigarette smoke. She was hungry and had sticky spots on her fur, but was otherwise in good shape. So we made arrangements to meet halfway through another woman who lived in Illinois. Lily is the embodiment of LOVE in a cat (if that is possible). And she is just what Percy and I needed. He has a playmate that he adores, and I have a dear little cuddle bunny.

Tiger Lily was a great comfort when Bebhinn, my grand old lady of 19 and a half, made her return journey home. Bebhinn was blind and arthritic, and kept to her usual spot on the couch, but still enjoyed life and the activity around her. I thought maybe she would keep going and going like the Energizer bunny. But in early December, when she knew Percy and I were in good hands, she took her leave, and it is like the passing of an era. I do miss her. She was a sweet cat, gentle and unassuming, the embodiment of inner and outer Peace.

When peace seems elusive, when our nation teeters on the brink of a war that few people want, and when I don’t know the answers to all the questions, I think of her, and I am reminded of what peace really is -- a way of being. Whatever the questions in your life, may 2003 be a year of Peace!

Deep peace of the running river to you.

Deep peace of the flowing air to you.

Deep peace of the shining stars to you.

Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.

(Gaelic blessing)