Healing

We've had quite a discussion going on one of my lists about what it takes to be a healer, and that boils down to what it takes to heal oneself - the "wounded" healer archetype. It's been very interesting within the context of struggling with my own recurring health problems, and attendant feelings that a flare up represents a failure of some kind. You feel betrayed by your body, by your emotions, by not being able to keep up the positive attitude 24/7, and wondering yet again, just what is the purpose of this? Why, why, why? Why do we suffer? Why is it so difficult to let go of fear and anxiety? Why can't I just WILL myself to have perfect health, and the perfect job, and the perfect relationship? Does anything I do or believe make any difference at all?

On the 14th I asked Michael, through Karen Woosley:

For the last ten days or so I have been having a flare-up of
ulcerative colitis. It has been over two years since the last
one, and I was hoping I had "beaten" it. Can you offer any insight
into what has triggered it, and how can I most quickly restore my
digestive health?

Laurel, you are living proof as to how one can turn upon oneself
through worry and "holding things in".  You see, then that there
is a direct connection between your inability to really let go of
things and this condition that also does not seem to let go? We see,
then, that the quickest way to health would be to adopt a healthy
diet, not only a physical diet of food but more of one of thought.

We see you doing much good work of late in meditation and positive
thinking, but realize that this only goes so far if you do not
actually believe in it. It is impossible to tell someone how to
change beliefs, but we see that you are attempting to do this in
the only way really that you can.

For this we commend you and say again that [take a deep breath]
"everything will be okay".  Really.

I found this channeling to be frustrating. For one thing, I don't want to believe that there is such a direct connection between thought and physical health. Certainly most Western doctors would absolutely pooh pooh the whole idea. And I think there is a dangerous tendency among New Age thinking to bully ourselves and others with the notion that we create our reality. All illness, all accidents, acts of violence against us - all were "attracted" somehow by our (supposedly) less than perfect thinking. But this isn't just New Age thinking. Our society has had this engrained in us for years. The assumption that rape victims must have done something to deserve it... Poor people are lazy, and just don't want to work hard... Only gay people get AIDS... God sent Katrina to punish the wicked people of New Orleans...

On the other hand, I can see all too well the difficulty I have had in really letting go of things. And I'll be the first to admit, that I often DON'T believe that things will be okay, even while I am busy telling others that I refuse to worry about how things will work out anymore. But as they say in AA, "Fake it 'til you make it." In psychotherapy it is standard practice to work on changing behavior, knowing that changing beliefs will follow -- it just takes a little longer. So I AM doing it the only way I can.

On the 16th, there was another free channeling opportunity, this time with Shepherd Hoodwin:
LAUREL BRADSHAW: What do I most need to know right now?

M: Of greatest benefit to you currently is more lightness and
play.

Laurel: I've been given "bringing forth artisan-like
creations to the physical plane" as my True Play. Can you
suggest other "play" that might help create the lightness
that I need?

M: Situations that lack stress and create enjoyment such as
visiting museums, enjoying lunch with a friend, or doing a puzzle.

Ah yes...I'm VERY familiar with using play as a way of distracting myself. Now "play" for me might be translating an old Norse saga, or reading Harri Potter in Welsh, but whatever works...... I think the trick for me is to find something that is MORE mentally consuming than the illness. Healing so often seems to be a process of distraction. At least for this scholar.

The pieces started coming together with this comment from someone in the discussion on healing: "Sometimes the most healing thing is to demonstrate that you can have issues and pain and totally love yourself for it, and have fun and joy WHILE you are processing all of them."

And then Sarah's sermon this morning on the "greatest" commandment: Love God, love your neighbor, love yourself. So often it is in loving ourselves that we find the greatest stumbling block. Agape, according to the Michael teachings, is the ultimate goal of all sentient evolution. We're all going to get there. Somewhere in there - in reducing everything to Love, or turning everything over to Love, is the "answer."

And now, I think, it is time to go play.....