The Other side of the coin...

"Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)" ~Walt Whitman

After writing the previous post, I went out for a walk this evening. I needed some fresh air and exercise, and to get away from the computer. And I found a penny...so here's the other side of the coin.

Not to belittle my frustration and anxiety over long term financial and career issues, I recognize that there has been a payoff. And when all is said and done, I'm not sure that I would have had it any other way. The advantages have been a great deal of flexibility and free time. Without children and a husband there has been the solitude I crave - a peacefulness to my life that I think I have been waiting for for several lifetimes. The opportunity to heal on some very deep physical and emotional levels, and to develop a deep understanding of myself and the Universe. I have been able to pay attention and to contemplate all of the great mysteries of existence. I think that is a very great gift, and how fortunate I am that I have been able to do all this, along with the satisfaction of finding answers to other people's questions, researching whatever topics strike my fancy, pursuing a myriad of interests from learning to make beaded flowers to learning Old Norse, teaching Welsh language classes, running a folk dance performing group, knitting prize-winning sweaters, organizing a major Celtic Festival, building a harpsichord, directing choirs and the Welsh Christmas program, the recorder group I had in Omaha, the Welsh quartet Crempogau that performed for an international audience at the Welsh National Gymanfa Ganu in Ohio, singing a solo in Welsh in churches all across North Wales and Chester, and how about that full page article about ME in the Chester Chronicle! I can't believe all the things I have done. I am amazing! And I am blessed. Sometimes I forget that.

One of my joys has been the time to really delve into the Michael Teachings, and to become a "presence" in the online community. It started, simply enough, with discovering an online beaded flower group in July 2001. It wasn't long before I discovered there were groups on every imaginable topic: Crohn's-Colitis groups, Welsh language groups, metaphysical groups, and wonder of wonders - a Michael group. That was MichaelOptions, now nearly defunct, but then a thriving public community revolving around Michael channel Terri Claire Benning. She did quite a lot of free public channeling back then, and some of it was utterly life changing. It validated things that I had never been able to put into words before, but which I knew were true about me and my experience. It offered insights into the challenges of my life, and as Michael says the teachings aren't intended to be "true," but to be useful.

So here is the other side of the coin of this 5th generation "Preacher's Kid," who is deeply spiritual, but not willing to be pinned down to any particular theological "dogma." I consider myself a Christian, but I also have memories of past lives, have had telepathic contact from something that I could only recognize as "alien," have had fore-knowledge of things like my sister's miscarriage, my nephew Connor's conception and birthdate, and the job in Oneonta. I have glimpsed an angel, seen dead people, and had too many mystical experiences to ignore the journey it has been leading me on all these years. It's quite a balancing act. I hide my Christian side from folks who think all Christians are Bible-thumping, narrow-minded fundamentalists. And I hide my "psychic" side from just about everybody. It scares people. It still scares me!

But I am changing that. Maybe at midlife I just am no longer willing to try and be what other people want me to be. It's time to stop trying to protect myself against the fear of being rejected, the fear of being different, of not fitting in, and not being understood, the fear of being feared. The healing journey began in earnest when I dared to share some of these experiences with my therapists and found them to be very open and supportive even though they themselves had no frame of reference for understanding. But what really turned the tide was finding people that DID have that frame of reference. It took a long time and I remember how frustrating it felt when I didn't have that support.

One of the online groups I am in has been redefining itself this summer, and as one of the moderators I have had a big hand in that. It is becoming the kind of "psychic" support group that I despaired of finding 10 years ago. I won't give the name of the group here, since for now it is still a private group. Here is the new description that I wrote for the group's website:

We have created this to be a place where we can explore those experiences in our lives that tell us who we are, what we are here to do, and how to grow and heal. How do we access the inner "wisdom" for living our lives? Some people channel, or are learning to channel. Some people seek out channels, or psychics, or even psychiatrists. Some people use tools like astrology, or Tarot, or runes, or kinesiology, or their Michael "charts." Some of us are exploring Shamanistic journeying, OBE's, dreams, past lives, working with animal and spirit guides, the principles of manifesting, or other explorations of personal power (trying out our "wings"). Some of us have experienced intuitive insights, synchronicities, ESP, angels, or extraterrestrial contact.

ALL of the above is what this list is about. We want to be a discussion and support group for the sharing of personal experiences relating to the Michael teachings, spiritual growth, and/or understanding the self. All experiences are valid.

Welcome to my world. I hope that sharing my thoughts and experiences makes your journey a little easier.