A dream last night

I was in the middle of a dream when I awoke this morning, which means I was able to recall it although the details are already fading and somewhat vague. It is probably just a typical anxiety dream.

I am singing. There are two others with me. It might be a class. Or maybe an audition. There is a fourth person (teacher?) accompanying on the piano. I notice that it is 5:00 -- my time is up (like on a job), but we aren't finished. 'They'll have to pay me overtime I'm thinking.

The scene changes. Someone is asking me about some food menus or instructions that I was responsible for handing out. There were three items on the menu (I remember sweet potatoes was one of them.) It seems as if I am in charge of writing up the instructions. My helpers or co-workers are responsible for filling the orders. They are asking for clarification of my instructions.

The scene changes again. I am told to call someone. Again I am part of a team. It is like a library job sort of, in that we are doing some kind of research for someone. I am to call this person with our results, which are that we haven't found anything. I don't want to call this person. I have been involved with her before -- I had accompanied her in an audition (does this relate to the first scene? except in this audition I was the piano player.) (I am recalling this as if it were an earlier dream or past experience. Even now, I (the one typing this) recall that dream as if it had been a real dream. If it was, it may have been several days or weeks ago. Very strange.) She blamed me for causing her to blow the audition. I felt badly that I hadn't played better for her, but I didn't feel that I was responsible. It was only a small flub, but it caused her to lose her concentration and her confidence. She should have been able to recover.

In the last part of the dream I am confiding in my mother (teacher, boss? -- the same person who wants me to call this woman, I think). I am telling her I am no good at anything (there's a long list of failures...) I am clearly feeling an extreme lack of self-esteem.

Observations:
The reason I say this is an anxiety dream, is because this is exactly how I'm feeling in real life. I was deeply discouraged by not getting an audition for that accompanying job. The dream seems to be about my primary Chief Features (Michael terminology for the fears that we fixate on and create illusions around, which influence our behavior) arrogance and self deprecation. Arrogance = the fear of being judged, of being vulnerable. Self deprecation = the fear of being inadequate.

Perhaps it is a good sign that I am auditioning. Singing to me represents pushing myself beyond my comfort level. That is the goal of growth -- constantly pushing beyond comfort levels in order to overcome challenges and grow. I've done this my whole life -- I feel the fear and do it anyway. I like to sing solos at church. I think I have a pretty voice, but self deprecation keeps me always anxious about putting myself out there. I don't always handle compliments very well -- I'm very critical of myself.

Singing also suggests this blog (Laurel Singing...), putting myself "out there" -- even my psychic self, that part of me that frightens others, and that I have spent many years suppressing. This blog is about unsuppressing that part of me. I don't know who will read it. I anticipate old friends and even my family not understanding at all. More than one person has misinterpreted the thoughts in my last Christmas letter, and expressed worry and concern. One of them even sent me a book saying that turning my life over to God would help me find the answers. As if I don't already have a deep and personal connection with God and with my spirituality. We just don't share the same "language." Perhaps that is a gap that can't be bridged. And why should I care? But I do. I am overly sensitive to what other people think of me.

Does 5:00 represent being 50? Most of my working life should be over by now, and yet I am still in an entry-level position and only part-time at that. Yes, that is one of the "failures" on my long list...

Food -- this could represent my ability to feed myself, financial security and all that. That area of my life is still far, far shakier than I would like it to be. Perhaps it also represents my efforts at manifesting. I'm giving "instructions" to the Universe about what I want, but my intentions must not be clear enough. So how do I set clear intentions, free of the underlying self-doubts and past failures that I am still hanging onto? Is that what this dream is about?

Food also has played a big part in my ulcerative colitis, both in its cause and in its treatment. I have been worried about a flare-up with all of the stress I've been under lately. I have also been trying very hard to NOT give energy to those thoughts (we attract what we think about....) There have been some physical symptoms lately, but those have lessened in the last few days. So whatever I am doing, it seems to be working. And sweet potatoes are very good for me. It's one of my healing foods. Hmm - let's see if I have any in my pantry. It may be on tonight's menu!

As for the third scene, I am both the accompanist and the woman who auditioned. The woman is my "personality," or ego, the accompanist is my "essence," or higher self, behind the scenes. The past dream -- past failures that have caused me to lose confidence in where essence is leading me? Yes, personality should have been able to recover perhaps, but essence forgets how difficult it really is on the physical plane.

There are so many layers to dreams. This is probably only scratching the surface.