Nurturing Hopes

I don't remember the exact date of this dream, so let's say it was around May 10. I started out dreaming about my cat Lily, but at some point Lily became a baby that I was nurturing and carrying. At the end of the dream I was standing, holding the baby, at the top of a steep and narrow wooden staircase. I was wearing slipper socks without "grippers" and thinking I'd better find a different way down because if I slip and fall the baby could be hurt. Sitting in front of me on the stairs, with her back to me, was an old lady. I knew that she was also "me" in the dream. As soon as I had the thought about falling, she stood up with her cane, and immediately fell face forward down the stairs. Then I woke up.

This dream seems to reflect my feelings about my new job at this time. I am nurturing all these hopes about a better life, but feeling very impatient that things are not yet as I would like them to be. I have been quite depressed in fact. My health insurance will be canceled at the end of May, as I now earn "too much money." I was worrying about how I would be able to pay for my prescription (Asacol for ulcerative colitis -- about $350 a month) and/or health insurance with all its deductibles and out of pocket expenses. I am also having to move by September because the landlord is turning my apartment building into condos. My present rent is VERY low, as it has not gone up much in the 12 years I have been here, so anywhere I go will necessitate paying a lot more for rent. So, although I have a permanent job for the first time in YEARS, I still feel as if I am at the top of a very precarious stairway.

Mixed in with that I think are my feelings about becoming old. Part of me wants to be the wise crone, but part of me is still harboring hopes of having children, a career, etc. Or does the old lady represent my fears, my resentments, old ways of dealing with less than ideal circumstances? In that case, perhaps watching her slide down the stairs represents a letting go of old patterns. Things WILL work out. I WILL nurture my dreams. I WILL find a different way down the stairs.