Pledging

My church's stewardship campaign has been building up to receiving our annual pledges for the coming year today. I didn't make it to church this morning, because I also had to get ready (with tapes recorded and umpteen forms filled out) for the Festival of Nations meeting this afternoon. But I made it to the celebration luncheon, and filled out a pledge card. For weeks now I've been hearing about abundance and giving and trust and at the same time grappling with my own scarcity and lack. This week has been especially difficult as I wrestle with the loss of one temp job, hunt for jobs that have been scarce for years in my profession, and brain storm new ways of earning money. This isn't a new theme by any means. Every year I talk myself out of pledging, because I still give -- I just don't do it on a regular schedule, or make it an intentional part of my giving. I like being spontaneous. And I give time, and music, and presence, and all those other good things. For years I haven't had a regular income to work with, so I keep putting it off saying "when I have a real job, I'll know how much money I can give......"

This year I knew I had to do something different. I wanted to give a pledge, not because I know I will have the money, or where it will come from. And not out of some kind of sympathetic magic with the universe (although it is that....) But simply because it is necessary to move myself beyond the fear of scarcity and lack that I have hung onto for so long. I didn't realize what a profound act this was until I filled out that card this noon. The wave of emotion released was incredible. I went up to my pastor with the card and said, with tears running out of control, "I want you to know how much this act TERRIFIES me. But it also LIBERATES me." My act brought the fear right up to the surface where it could be felt, and acknowledged, and (hopefully) released. I had no idea how deep that fear was until I did something to try and change.

Laurel